ARE MIXED MARRIAGES DEVIANT AND IMMORAL? Maggie replies

I would freely concede that mixed marriages are rare and certainly high-risk. But immoral and deviant?

It would be immoral to lie about such a thing, of course, but Stephen Daldry did not lie. Is he immoral and deviant for deciding he wanted a wife and a baby? Is that a good reason to marry or not? To me, it seems perfectly understandable. And you know Ben and Ken, women are funny. A nice guy who is successful, and funny, and loves them and hey, actually wants to have a baby instead of having to be begged into it, like so many Manhattan metrosexuals. . .I can see his wife's point of view too. Are they sexually fulfilled? I don't know. But really this is not something we insist on in married couples. Married people like it, no doubt, but it is just not the community's business if people place other priorities higher.

As to wives being in pain on discovering their husbands are gay, what actually seems to happen at least as often is that wives are crushed and distressed to find their husbands are leaving them and the kids because they are gay, or insisting on their right to cheat because they are gay. Society, including the gay community, now tells such husbands that they are not REALLY husbands, they are REALLY gay and encourages them to leave these "false" relationships and explore their sexuality.

Here, for example, is one wife's description of her marriage to a gay man (From Husbands Out of the Closet): "We had the American Dream! We had a big wedding, big, close families, a nice house, and a beautiful baby. I considered myself very fortunate. We had a good sex life, but we were best friends and playmates as well as lovers. We were very close. Sometimes we could sit up all night just talking."

Here is another: "We had ups and downs from the beginning. We'd married because of pregnancy, but our love quickly became very strong. Our sex was just okay at first, but then became great. But as the kids got older, he'd yell at them, and about every 6 months we'd have terrible fights about them, not about ourselves."

Of course one of the real problems here is deciding or defining whether or not these men were gay when they married or only became gay later when they began identifying with sexual feelings they had repressed. But either a) some gay men make great husbands or b) sexual orientation fluctuates or c) both.
posted by maggie at 8:33 AM VOTE

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