"Tony had taken a while to warm up to the idea of children, but probably because as a gay man, he'd never considered the possibility. Once he did, it wasn't hard to talk him into it. He was made to be a father. Or at least a mother. He was incredibly good at taking care of both people and things. Thanks to his instinctive solicitousness and gallant domestic attentions, even our houseguests were so well cared for they never wanted to leave. . .Peewee never entered his room or slept in his crib. He died inside me, days before he was supposed to be born. . .

Towards the end of the "Pregnancy Journal," in the section labeled "Third Trimester," there's a question about sources of spiritual strength and support. My answer is "Tony, our relationship, our love, the ability to share with him all my ups and downs." Our marriage was the last thing I was worried about.

But in fact in was in the tiny, private universe between Tony and me wherer things began to go mysteriously awry. . . What do you want, he said, standing in the doorway.

I want to know what your'e doing. Where you're going all the time when you don't come home.

Out, he said.

What do you mean, out? Where? With who?

Shut up and leave me alone, he said.

No, I'm not going to leave you alone, I said, getting right in his face. What the hell is going on with you? Why are you doing this?

I was so shocked when he hit me. He had never done that before. . .I remember screaming over and over, My God, are you crazy?

. . .Please, he said, in a thick, tearful voice. I have to get out of here. Just let me go.

. . .I finally got the story--or at least part of the story--He was going around to clinics and telling doctors what had happened to us with Peewee. They were giving him stuff to sleep, but he was taking it all day long. I supppose it was the only way he knew how to deal with his despair.

But it's turning you into a monster, Tony. Please, I hardly know you anymore. You have to stop, I begged him.

I'm sorry, Mali, he wept, totally undone, I'm sorry.

. . .First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the big f**king surprise called the rest of your life."

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