MARRIAGE AS A CIVIL RIGHT: Ben Dykes

Yes, I think the bottom line--as with all civil rights issues--is that people with the civil right want the others to go away. The question is why. I think people are genuinely shocked and resentful when they're accused of being unfair, and especially if they're told their arguments/attitudes are identical in form to positions they reject, like old race arguments. We tend to think that people pretty much fall into the place in society they deserve, and it's unpleasant to think that our attitudes and laws are actually inhibiting others.

When people are used to thinking of their own situation as the universal one, they are doubly shocked because they can't imagine what the alternative is. It's like men refusing to accept women as managers because they can't imagine that women could do a "man's" job. No, it's a manager's job. Men and women may have different styles, and you could even argue that management is better when both styles are represented. But the generic category "manager" is not the same as "male manager," even if to be a manager means having either male or female styles.

This debate is like coming out to one's parents. You watch them convulse and weep over the fantasy life they had planned for you, and over what they assumed you'd gratefully do for them. It's a very self-involved process, and genuinely uncomfortable for them. Like bewildered parents asking, "why are you rejecting us, don't you love us anymore?" opponents of gay marriage say, "why do you want to hurt us, don't you appreciate the civilization we've provided?" We're not rejecting anything, but it takes time to digest that and incorporate gay children/citizens into their worldview. Until then, they'll keep returning to their familiar images of themselves as good and holy, and assume you want to hurt them. This debate is especially hot because nothing pokes you in the nose and speaks in as many volumes about social ties as much as the insistence on getting married. I have hopes the period of patient hand-holding and smoothing ruffled feathers will soon be over.


posted by maggie at 3:01 PM VOTE

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