NO ONE TEACHES YOU HOW TO LIVE: Eve replies to Mark Barton

I have a small point and a larger point. Let's start with the small one.

Is it really true that the only way society can honor relationships is to call them marriages? I don't believe that. That's part of my ongoing project of reestablishing a strong value for friendship.

Larger point: In re role models for gay kids, I'm working on three premises:

1) Many people who later identify as gay take a while to form or discover (or both) that identity. That wasn't really true of me--although identity is always complicated, I experienced the alienation to which I think Mark is referring from an early age due to my sexual orientation (which is one reason I talk about it so much!)--but it is true of a lot of people.

2) Gay kids benefit as much as anybody else does from being raised by their own two married parents. This premise is strongly borne out by the experience of the actual gay men and lesbians I've known. So societal expectations that strengthen the husband/wife family help gay kids, even if those expectations also exact costs from gay kids.

3) The "family romance"--the child's struggle to find a place in the world, played out through his or her role in the family--is a deeper and more primal motivating force than sexual orientation.

Together, these three premises convince me that even for gay kids, the benefits of shoring up the husband/wife family outweigh the costs.
posted by Eve at 7:48 PM VOTE

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