FAMILIES LIKE MINE: GROWING UP WITH GAY OR LESBIAN PARENTS: From the Miami Herald

...Northup, Spirk and Lessem are children of gay and lesbian parents, and their experiences are as varied as their circumstances. Now, with the debate over a constitutional amendment on same-sex marriages raging in Congress, there has been a renewed interest in their lives, an interest that that also has been partly fueled by a recent book, Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is by Abigail Garner.

At times poignant, at times distressingly honest, Garner's book recounts her own experience as the daughter of a gay father. In interviews with more than 50 other children of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) parents, Garner discovered that regardless of how they became part of a family -- through adoption, artificial insemination or past heterosexual relationships -- all had faced anti-gay prejudice at some point. It's not unusual, Garner adds, for these kids to hear that their family is abnormal, deviant, lacking in values.

Has such prejudice abated lately? "I would love to say it's improved, but I'm absolutely stunned that in 2004 the validity of our families is still being questioned," Garner says. "At an individual level, there are places that are becoming more accepting, but there are also many communities where these families are vilified."

Proof is in the number of adult children who declined to be interviewed for this story despite the fact that their parent was openly gay or lesbian. One, an older teenager, said, "I'm glad somebody's doing something on this, but I don't want to call attention to myself."

About 600,000 households in the United States are headed by same-sex partners, according to the 2000 Census. Of those, about 33 percent of lesbian couples reported having children 18 or under, while 22 percent of male couples did. Though there are no comparable numbers for previous census, Garner believes these figures reflect only a portion of the true numbers. For one, she adds, the numbers overlook single gay parents, bisexual parents and transgender parents. What's more, these numbers will grow as more single and partnered gays and lesbians begin to actively seek ways to become parents.

Lessem, for instance, recently bought a house in El Portal with his partner. He wants to have children in about three years, when they're both more secure financially. This, despite the fact that his own adolescence and young adulthood -- trying to hide his father's sexuality, then trying to figure out his own -- was far from perfect.

"The first time I felt really, really comfortable was when I found myself among a group of people who understood what it had been like for me, and that was at Family Week (when children and families of LGBT parents get together in the summer in Massachusetts)," says Lessem, 29. He also attended Mountain Meadow, a camp for children in south New Jersey. ...

Another misconception: Gays and lesbians are "recruiting" their children and others into homosexuality. Spirk, 27, says his mother always maintained an excellent relationship with his father after they divorced, but when Jack Spirk got together with Richard Hughes more than two decades ago, she didn't want her son spending nights at his father's. After much discussion and several sessions of therapy, she consented.

Even then, she sometimes expressed concerned. "She kept asking me if I was gay and that I shouldn't worry about telling her because it was all right for me to tell her I was," Spirk says. "I think that kind of reaction is pretty common among straight spouses."

Statistically, children in LBGT families are neither more nor less likely to be gay than if they had straight parents. Spirk has a long-time girlfriend. Her parents have met his fathers, an event that was more pleasant than Jack Spirk and partner Richard Hughes expected. ...

At many events, Spirk has had two sets of parents attending -- his mother and her husband, his father and Hughes. That, he believes, has worked to his advantage, making him less likely to make quick judgments. "When I see something, I know there are at least 10 other angles out there to see it from," he adds. "That cliche, don't judge the book by its cover, is true." ...

In addition to homophobia, the biggest problem gay families face is lack of communication. Garner, the author, says that even when they are living openly, some parents don't think it is necessary to empower their children with the right vocabulary or even sit down to discuss any issues.

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