LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Alysse ElHage replies to Michael Triplett

[Alysse ElHage is a freelance writer and researcher living in Winterville, NC.]

I agree with Mr. Triplett that most people on the street would describe marriage in terms of love, not commitment or obligation or even having children. But that is exactly the problem with marriage today. Basing marriage on passion, not obligation, results in broken families. Feelings go up and they come back down, especially in the day-to-day struggles that come with marriage. Couples who are truly committed to each other stay in the marriage for the long, often bumpy ride where feelings of love and sexual passion come and go. The marriages that last are the ones in which the couples use some of that "old fashioned" obligation and commitment to something more than just each other as a reason to keep going when their spouse gets on their nerves.

Mr. Triplett's view of marriage may be popular but it is not very romantic or realistic. Obligation has to play a role in a good marriage because sooner or later, feelings fade. I am not saying that love should not play a role in marriage, or that we should all go out and marry someone we don't love. I am simply arguing that marriages based primarily on feelings and sexual passion don't last. Love is something that you do, not something that you always feel. As a married woman, I can tell you that I am more secure knowing that my husband's commitment to our marriage goes beyond his feelings for me on a particular day.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more from our marriages than duty alone. But an obligation to something bigger than ourselves (i.e., God) and a shared commitment to work at loving each other, even when we no longer feel "in love," are part of what it takes to make a marriage last.

posted by Eve at 3:54 PM VOTE

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