LOVE AND MARRIAGE: Matt DeMonte replies to Michael Triplett

[Matt DeMonte is a chemical engineer from Michigan.]

Michael Triplett writes: "I've always been uncomfortable with this cultural sense that marriage is about children and obligation and commitment, not love. It feels very 'Vaticanic' (okay, I know that's not a word, but it fits). It's marriage as defined by hardline Catholicism where sex is dirty, children are expected, and love is optional. It feels oppressive and ancient and outmoded and patriarchial."

As a practicing orthodox Catholic, I would like to address these common misconceptions: First of all, the technical term is "Vaticanian." (kidding!) Yes, children are expected, but both children and sex are celebrated by the Church; it's just that the Church thinks the two shouldn't be separated. In fact, the Church teaches that each spouse's body, fertility and all, belongs to the other as a freely given gift; I find that pretty sexy. We were told by a priest at a marriage preparation class that the marriage act is virtuous and to enjoy it often. And love is most certainly not optional in a Christian marriage--it's a requirement, along with joy.

I think this is the root of this discussion: Christian love, or caritas, is not about husbands and wives just making each other happy--it's about helping each other to grow spiritually in mutual self-sacrifice, and usually focused on rearing children. This may involve a lot of work and isn't always fun. But Catholics believe that marriage and children together form a fundamental purpose of life (we have Darwin on our side, here) and are the most fulfilling things most people will ever accomplish. Marriage isn't just about love as my wife and I experienced it when we started dating, when we were mostly concerned with making each other happy.

To me, that's like dinner dates with only ice cream and soda pop and never getting to the filet mignon and merlot: Eventually you'll both get sick of it and split up to go try something different.

Love and marriage should go together, but the obligations of marriage are what make it special and worth preserving as a unique institution.

posted by Eve at 6:32 PM VOTE

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