NYTIMES MAG "ETHICIST" ON ADULTERY

I've been happily married for 21 years. Ten years ago, my husband suffered a debilitating disease that keeps us from making love. Four years ago, I bumped into an ex-lover, himself married, and began a sexual relationship, reawakening my sexual feelings. Neither of us would ever divorce. I'm sure I can keep this relationship secret, so my husband will not get hurt. My devout Catholicism forbids such an affair, but does secular ethics? Anonymous

Secular ethics notwithstanding, this secular ethicist is surprised that, in the decade since your husband became ill, you two have not discussed the demise of your sex life. You might also have talked about the many ways people make love, some of which might still be possible for him. Professional advice could be helpful here.

If your sex life with your husband has indeed ended, you may honorably consider other alternatives. A fulfilling erotic life is an important part of marriage, indeed of human happiness. Many religions enumerate conjugal duties. (Doesn't it sound joyful put that way?) Some states make the failure to fulfill them grounds for divorce. Although your husband has not broached your seeking an erotic life outside the marriage, surely he has considered that you might not simply soldier on, going quietly sexless to your grave.

To raise this matter now is, alas, tantamount to a confession, or at least it risks forcing a confrontation your husband seems not to want. You have entered the realm of don't ask, don't tell.

It is dicey territory. If you continue to pursue an extramarital relationship, you must strive to avoid hurting your husband.

You can not eliminate all risk -- when the clothes come off, emotions can be unpredictable -- but you can be prudent. This may be less difficult than you imagine. It is not unknown for one spouse to avert his glance from what any outsider would regard as evidence of infidelity. In this sense, your husband may have tacitly acquiesced to your sub rosa sex life.

There remains the conflict between this path and your religion's strictures, but that is something millions of Catholics face each time they employ contraception, for example. Few practitioners of any faith adhere to each of its dictates.

Update: Anonymous decided to end the affair.

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posted by Eve at 6:45 PM VOTE

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